i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
