fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
