If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
