I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
