Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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