if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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