her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
