Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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