umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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