Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
