My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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