oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
