She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
