Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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