I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
