so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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