I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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