I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
my poor anus
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
