Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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