I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
