My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
