by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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