have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
