Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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