So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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