apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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