before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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