Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
