So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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