I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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