your parents love me but you hate me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
