Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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