plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
