They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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