Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
