Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
