I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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