cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
