I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
