im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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