walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
