True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
