I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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