I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
