he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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