Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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