I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
