so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
