the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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