Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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