he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
